


Big E's Adventure with Rump Meat

by ThreeHats



Category: Slender Man Mythos, World Wrestling Entertainment
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-08
Updated: 2016-08-08
Packaged: 2018-08-07 08:39:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7708354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThreeHats/pseuds/ThreeHats
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It had been an odd day. They awoke to the sound of their own theme music playing on their New Day brand alarm clocks, stuffed their faces with a bowl of "Booty-O's" - they make sure you ain't Booty! (tm) - and then had cavorted out into their front yard to collect their mail. Yes, they all lived in the same bright pink and blue house with a picket fence with their very own robot maid who was programmed to always be positive and talk like Arthur Fonzarelli. He was still learning how to shake his butt in time with the three of them.</p><p>Three letters had arrived inviting them to spend the night in a mansion and they would not only win a million dollars each, but they would be given a guaranteed WWE Hall of Fame contract. Money was no boon to Big E, for he were rich in spirit and in thigh muscles. But to be entered into the Hall of Fame? The chance to shake his backside at a crowd of thousands of emotional fans? Why, that was a no brainer!</p><p>All characters, locations and scenarios were pulled out of a hat to create this story, which was written in 30 minutes or less.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Big E's Adventure with Rump Meat

**Characters:** Big E, Slender Man  
 **Location:** The Mansion from Clue (suggested by Rayshio Tile)  
 **Scenario:** Contemplating Becoming a Sex Worker (suggested by Ash Tailor)

All characters, locations and scenarios were pulled out of a hat to create this story, which was written in 30 minutes or less.

\--

 

"Awwwwwww murder victims! Don't you dare be sour! Clap for your world famous two time champs and feel the power!"

Big E's words vibrated throughout the silent mansion almost as wildly as his hips, as he gyrated them rhythmically alongside his team-mates Kofi Kingston and Xavier Woods. His expression unchanging, the same wide-eyed, thirsty grin plastered across his face as he swung his thick, muscular frame in a cartoonish display of confidence.

"That's right, all you serial killers out there!" announced Xavier, who hopped and pranced through the confluence of cobwebs that decorated the corridor, his faithful trombone Francesca II held inches from his lips as he spoke. "Your murderous spree of violent killings is nothing next to the power! The power of positivity!"

Kofi Kingston skipped amicably beside them, their glow-in-the-dark unicorn horns lighting their way as they progressed through the spookiest parts of the death trap of a house they found themselves trapped within.

It had been an odd day. They awoke to the sound of their own theme music playing on their New Day brand alarm clocks, stuffed their faces with a bowl of "Booty-O's" - they make sure you ain't Booty! (tm) - and then had cavorted out into their front yard to collect their mail. Yes, they all lived in the same bright pink and blue house with a picket fence with their very own robot maid who was programmed to always be positive and talk like Arthur Fonzarelli. He was still learning how to shake his butt in time with the three of them.

Three letters had arrived inviting them to spend the night in a mansion and they would not only win a million dollars each, but they would be given a guaranteed WWE Hall of Fame contract. Money was no boon to Big E, for he were rich in spirit and in thigh muscles. But to be entered into the Hall of Fame? The chance to shake his backside at a crowd of thousands of emotional fans? Why, that was a no brainer!

They had made it here alongside around a dozen other wrestlers they'd known and feuded with at some point in their careers. Triple H, Cesaro, John Cena, the Undertaker - so many had arrived to try their luck at simply waiting inside a building for a good twelve hours, if only for the chance at such a generous reward.

Then to their shock, they quickly learned that they had been lured here with the intention of killing each of them off one by one. At dinner, Stephanie McMahon had been found drowned in the punch bowl. Later in the evening, Cesaro had been found deathly quiet, a brass ring shoved down his throat, causing him to choke. The Undertaker had been found literally buried alive in the basement, and John Cena - well, let's just say at this point, his remains were nowhere to be seen.

"I bet it's Virgil!" delcared Kofi after they had successfully scurried from one end of the corridor to the other, finding themselves in the master bedroom. Grand paintings of the mansion's former residents surrounded them, and a four poster bed lay undisturbed in front of them. "He's probably killing us all off one by one so he can collect our million dollars! That guy would do anything for some cash!"

"No, he's always trying to get fuck money," Big E clarified. "And frankly, it's insulting. Why would you wanna pay Virgil for a lay, when you have me standing right here at over 285 pounds - a most of them is in my delicious rump! Anyone would pay to take a bite outta these buns!"

Big E Langston rushed forward and leapt onto the bed, which strained audibly at the sheer density of his frame. He began twerking and grinding against all four corners of the bed, and followed it up by prostrating himself upon it and pretending to swim in the covers, his gargantuan legs splayed outward and revealing more of himself than would be appropriate for a PG-13 product.

"Yes, you would make a fantastic male prostitute," Xavier agreed, brandishing Francesca II and idly stroking his chin in contemplation of Big E's glutes. "Just like in Grand Theft Auto, where you can hire a prostitute and then murder them and take their cash. IT'S PRETTY LIT, BAY-BEE!"

"Why are you always bringing up all these random ass video game references?" asked Kofi, his dreads twitching in frustration.

"I gotta promote my YouTube channel Up Up Down Down. It's lit, bay-bee!" Xavier cackled.

Speaking of lit, that's the opposite of what the room had become. Without New Day realizing it, the candle light within the room had dimmed to the point of casting them into almost pitch blackness. Big E sprang from the bed, his feet connecting with the floor. He reached out to grab at his tag team partners, who in turn reached out to touch him. Soon they were in a bedroom, touching and groping each other in an exaggerated, panicky fashion.

"This is worse than the time we showed up at the Wyatt compound," Kofi said through chattering teeth.

They all gathered close together, and for a moment Big E was certain he could feel an extra fourth pair of hands cupping at his copious buttocks. He gasped, his perpetual smile disappearing for a second, and he called out defiantly: "WHO DARES THREATEN THE POWER OF POSITIVITY!"

They each turned their heads, their unicorn horns casting a colorful light upon the tall, terrifying specter that loomed over them. It stared pensively with no eyes, its arms thrown out at either side, and where they should have been hands Big E could swear he saw impossibly long finger-like claws. It appeared for all the world like a mockery of a human being, like a mannequin that had come to life and shifted into some otherworldly shape.

The New Day reacted the way you might expect them to - by laughing, dancing around the creature, and shaking their butts enthusiastically.

"AWWWW SLENDER MAN! DON'T YOU DARE BE SOUR! CLAP FOR YOUR WORLD FAMOUS TWO TIME CHAMPS AND FEEL THE POWER!" cried Big E, clapping his hands in sync with his words as he began to chant: "New... Day Rocks! New... Day Rocks!"

"That's right, Slender Fool," Xavier laughed, his eyes bugging out as he realized he was addressing one of the most popular videogame characters from 2012. "You think you can just murder us and act like we got no beef? Well, we got beef, my man! A lotta beef! and it's right here! THAT TRICEP MEAT!" Xavier gestured to Big E as he swayed defiantly at the eldritch horror.

"Yeah! And you're not gonna be able to get away with this! and do you know why?" Kofi asked the eternal question.

The Slender Man hovered malevolently as he awaited their inevitable response to their rhetorical inquery.

"BECAAAUSE!" Big E screamed. "NEW! DAY ROCKS! NEW! DAY ROCKS!"

They gathered in a circle, ring a round the rosey fashion, and began chanting their mantra over and over - New! Day Rocks! New! Day Rocks!

Sadly, the power of positivity was only so powerful, and Slender Man succeeded in devouring them and their souls, leaving behind only their wrestling gear and the trembling body of Francesca II. From the shadows, a man stepped toward Slender Man and gave a crooked smile, patting the bed beside them.

"Time to get my fuck money," Virgil growled seductively, falling back onto the bed and beckoning the Slender Man to join him.


End file.
